It's not the most manoeuvrable of hills, so I'd be inclined to leave it where it is.

Slightly more seriously, I'm not aware of a particularly good place to leave a car in the immediate area. All the surrounding roads are narrow lanes, and any wider sections probably ought to be left clear as passing places. There is a slightly larger layby at the head of the Burton-Newbiggin road, between Holmepark Fell and Hutton Roof Crags, but the limited space fills quickly. Otherwise it's Farleton, Newbiggin, Holme or Burton (though their residents mightn't appreciate my saying that!) and a longer walk.

The largest 'reservoir' I own is a bath, so fishing would be rather futile. You're welcome to give it a try, though.

Or was that some sort of euphemism?

The public areas are all on one level, if that's what you need to know. The sorting office, where one collects undelivered parcels, has a separate entrance further along Fenton Street, with a readily-accessible ramp from the gate to the door.

Unless you're referring to the Storeys, a historically prominent Lancastrian family. Unfortunately, I don't have access to the Post Office's employment or CCTV records, nor details of the building's ownership, so can't comment on the family's potential links to the office.

Ooh, yes; absolutely.

Wrong attitude. Cwm Idwal is a beautiful, natural location. It's not a utility or commodity; it's not 'for' anything.

I 'use' it for walking, photography and stress relief, but it's also popular with climbers and is of research/teaching significance to botanists and geologists.

Well, you'd have to ask them.

Some people seem to like it.

I suppose that might be a nice gimmick, but somehow I find the idea of someone actually using it profoundly depressing.

I'm not aware of such a thing actually existing, anyway. Thankfully.

Now; what to have for lunch today...?

a) One is small, whilst the other is far away, but either would hurt immeasurably if dropped on one's head.

b) A 2005 ruling of the Scottish Parliament requires bollards to be installed on all cliffs above 500m in altitude, in order to prevent people accidentally straying in fog.

One of the foregoing statements isn't strictly accurate.

Roe. Processed edible varieties are generally called caviar in English.

I've never been able to bring myself to try it, but my mother used to like cod's roe. Visiting my father in Norway in the Eighties, I'd travel out with 4-5 kg of coffee whitener, a luxury apparently unavailable there, in my suitcase (in the days when one could freely travel with such quantities of white powder) and back with a suitcase of prawns and fish eggs. I, and probably the entire aviation industry, are eternally glad my luggage never went missing.

Incidentally, the product known as 'soft roe' in the UK is not fish eggs. You really don't want to know what it is; I rather wish I didn't.

Just get a screwdriver under one edge and pull as hard as you can.

[Sorry; my answers to this and the previous query may have been accidentally transposed* .]

*: Split infinitives are entirely permissable in modern usage.

WHAT THE...?!

Ew....

Is it supposed to be that colour?

How dare you!

Though any such 'subculture' classification would be ludicrous, if the Ministry's anything, it's mildly gothy.

Certainly not any variety of chav, anyway.

I was aware of Victorian/granny boots, and happen to consider them attractive, but hadn't (and still haven't) heard of a variety higher than calf-length.

Unless you're looking for something completely different, and require a more... specialised website than the Ministry. Move along, please – nothing to see here.

We? We don't. I do, and I can pass on a recipe, but beyond that, you're on your own.

Cleaning?

First: STOP ****ING SHOUTING. If you can't even be bothered to operate your 'shift' key, why should I bother to answer your enquiry?
Oh yeah; to ridicule it. Fair enough.

Far? It's about that far. And I wouldn't start from here, if I were you.

Chop of their hair? I prefer fillet, really.

Wool paragraphed information? Awkward to file.

Joking aside: poor spelling in web searches isn't a matter of snobbishness; your search simply won't work if you garble the keywords.

Having translated the underlying question: 'fair' isn't relevant. They're sheep – wool is what they're for. Barring absolute cruelty I don't believe animals have 'rights', at all, and have no problem whatsoever with their exploitation as a resource. Lambs may be cute, but they taste even better.

[Update 23/05/08: Why is this rapidly becoming a FAQ, primarily bringing visitors from Saudi Arabia, most using near-identical wording?]

At first glance, I thought this was a typically odd random query – yes, puncture repair kits can be used to fix items other than bicycle tyre inner tubes (a fact which once left me stranded...), but boots? Predator?

Then I dimly remembered that 'Predator' is a variety of football boot (see, I can do popular culture) and discovered online that the distinguishing feature, apart from kangaroo leather, is rubber pads/strips at strategic points on the kicking surface.
I'd guess that patches from a puncture repair kit could be used to cover worn pads on boots, and the kit's rubber cement could attach the patches if there's enough left of the underlying pad – remember the cement only bonds rubber to rubber, not rubber to other materials, such as kangaroo leather.
However, I understand the dimpled surface texture of the pads is significant, and patches mightn't replicate that.

Nice lateral thinking, though.

Incidentally, the Ministry is currently the no.1 result for this search term at Google, the result of matching individual words from the, er, 'Random Queries' archive index page.

If reading subtitles is too much like hard work, this film is not for you. It's a French film from a French director, with a French cast (er, Rie Rasmussen is Danish, but the character speaks French). The dialogue is in French. Not English – that'd be a different film.

I'm pleased to say I'm unaware of a version dubbed into English and, as always, would definitely avoid one if it did exist.
This isn't empty snobbishness (though I can't deny a certain contempt for people who demand to be spoon-fed mere entertainment). The spoken language is an integral part of a film, providing the vocal rhythms of that language and the performance of the original actors – dubbing can only diminish.

And don't mention Anglophone remakes.

Law
It's not compulsory to participate in recycling schemes in the UK, though that's at the time of writing and I would support some compulsion.
In theory, it's already arrived in my part of Lancaster, as the Council will only accept a fixed amount of for-landfill waste from each household per fortnight, which is less than the total amount of waste a typical household might produce: households which recycle nothing won't have all their waste removed, which could rapidly lead to legal action.
I'd welcome the 'weighed bins' recently mentioned in the mass-media, as a financial incentive to reduce unrecycled waste could help.

Invasion of privacy
I have little sympathy with this objection. It's your responsibility to dispose of personally-identifiable materials properly – if you simply drop intact bank statements in your bin/recycling, more fool you. That's not an excuse to avoid recycling altogether, merely a requirement to think first.
If I receive, say, a letter from my bank, I rip off the header, containing account and other reference numbers plus names and addresses, and similarly remove the footer containing unexplained serial numbers which could be of some significance. I then rip up and drop the innocuous body of the letter into my recycling. The header and footer also get ripped into tiny pieces, then roughly a third goes in the recycling, a third goes in my main bin amongst the food waste, and a third goes in my 'confidential paper' recycling bin, which I only empty every few months.

Driving
Self-evidently, it's not optimal* to take recycling to a collection point by car. I can only suggest using whatever doorstep collection schemes are available in your area then storing as much of whatever's left as you can bear, then disposing of it infrequently, preferably when you're making a trip in that general direction anyway.
By definition, Council tips tend to be in out-of-the-way locations, so one can't necessarily pop to the tip on the way to work, but many classes of recycling not accepted by doorstep collection schemes are accepted at communal sites such as bottle banks in supermarket car parks – it is entirely possible to make combined recycling & shopping trips; if one was going to the supermarket anyway, there's no added consequence of dropping off the recycling.

In short: do what you can. Don't get obsessed with recycling everything, but equally, don't use minor problems as an excuse to do nothing. If it's especially inconvenient to recycle plastic bottles in your area, okay, send 'em to landfill, but still recycle paper, cans & bottles.

*: let's avoid phrases like 'good for the environment': the childish & moralistic language of enviro-hippies makes my fists itch....

Yes, I think you've come to the right thread for that topic....

Not particularly random, but intriguing (dunno what that says about me...).

Would one mine clay? I'm pretty sure it's extracted from open-air quarries, not subterranean mines.
'Fireclay' might be considered an exception, but that material is lithified (i.e. a rock) rather than compressed sediment retaining some plasticity (i.e. a clay).

Try a search for 'clay pit lancs' – you don't need to specify 'in'.

I was going to suggest using 'lancashire' rather than 'lancs', too, but was surprised to see Google (.com, not .co.uk) automatically recognises and expands the abbreviation.

Ah, yes: the world-famous Tiny Poodles of Inverness, the subjects of so much joy, anguish and a minor diplomatic incident in 1876 (ever wondered why the British royal family keeps corgis rather than poodles? Now you know). Don't miss the granite memorial in Glenurquhart Road.

It's gratifying to see my authority on this fundamental topic acknowledged, and the Ministry ranked third for the search term at Google.

Depends on the tree, obviously (size, species, etc.), but also on the type of paper – newsprint manufacture uses more of the tree than the production of 'presentation-quality' or even just office printer paper.

If I remember correctly, if one averages out all the parameters (e.g. a unit weight of mixed soft- & hardwood species of an average age and girth), one can expect roughly 80 kg of newsprint or around 40 kg of printer paper per 'standard tree'.
Which isn't much, though that presumes the paper only contains fresh wood pulp, with no recycled content.

And even if I do remember correctly, my information is ~15 years old....

All of them?

Well, okay....

Seven, though like the canine population of the UK, rapid mobility and fake moustaches are involved.

Oh, and there's that guy in Goiâna, but he doesn't really specialise in bikes; better ring ahead to see if he has what you're looking for.

Okay, okay!
All of Marillion's releases in the Fish era (1982-1988) featured covers by Mark Wilkinson. Following the split, Wilkinson designed covers for Fish's solo releases (1989-date) whilst Marillion have worked with Carl Glover.

'He Knows You Know' was the second single from the band's debut album, 'Script for a Jester's Tear', but not itself an album.

Nice to see you abandoned the natural language ("who", "was" and "the" are irrelevant to the query) and over-specific search terms in favour of more generic terms expressed solely as keywords. Good practice.

Well, that's put me off my cornflakes. That exotic combination would be truly offal.

And you deserved that.

That's a compelling image, but unless the Ministry* has access to a vein of Antigravitium ore or has planned ahead for a distant future of personal hovercraft, possibly of limited credibility.

* Not there is such a Ministry in the UK or any other EU nation, so far as I'm aware.

All of them?!

I've no doubt there are websites identifying each week's no.1, but I suspect you'd have to collate the no.3s yourself, from sites offering the entire top-tens.

Have fun.

Okay; you want to know what BoingBoing has said about steel chairs, but anticipate so many results that you're omitting all those also mentioning bondage involving beanbags? *

Whatever....

*: Though technically you haven't excluded 'bondage' from the search.

So far as I'm aware, that'd be all of them. How would a campsite owner know whether two people are a couple, or merely walking partners? I've frequently camped in the Lakes with male friends, and never encountered apparent hesitation. I haven't shared a tent, but I know people who do, especially on long-distance routes where carrying a tent each wouldn't be pragmatic.
I suppose I'm saying I believe you'd have less problems camping as a single-sex couple than finding a bed & breakfast room together; there's less to imply your status and there is an existing practice of two individuals camping together, irrespective of gender.

You will have noticed from your web search that many campsites do specify 'no single sex parties allowed', but that refers to large groups of potentially-rowdy lads; four or more might have problems, but two should be fine.

• Eight feet (2.4 m).
• Only on Tuesdays, but technically, aldermen can request repeat runs.
• Thomas Telford, between 1793 and 1803.
• Orange. Not red, obviously.
• Seven.

I haven't exactly watched, but I'm pretty sure they reproduce. I doubt they spontaneously instantiate, nor precipitate out of rainwater.

If you mean the etymology of the word, it's from the French 'mollusque', itself from the Latin (and Linnean) 'Mollusca', meaning 'thin-shelled'.

What; Leeds has a puncture? Again?

More seriously, I'm not aware of any bicycle shops which would repair a puncture for you, whether in Leeds or elsewhere. I'm sure a bike shop would be happy to sell you a new inner tube and fit it for you (presumably for a fee), but not patch an existing inner tube. That's the sort of repair you really need to do for yourself.

I don't have a clue about cars or motorbikes, though.

You may be technically correct (I don't know for sure), but I'd strongly recommend not relying on that as a defence.

In a recent case which made the local free newspapers, someone tried to contest parking tickets by arguing that the yellow lines were worn and not properly terminated (it was a coastal road, and the lines had been weathered). However, the magistrate(s) rejected the claim on the basis that there could be no reasonable doubt about the intent; pedantic, wilful misinterpretation of the patently-obvious was not acceptable.

Which itself could be contested, I suppose, but just move the car, eh?

That sounds like Kafka's 'In der Strafkolonie', though I don't recall that being set in a desert (a desert island, perhaps).

I didn't know of a film adaptation, either, but there is one short listed at the IMDB.

Kind of damp, even considering recent weather elsewhere in the UK.

This query seems to reveal a misapprehension about the nature of the Lake District. It's a National Park in Northern England (brrr!), with planning regulations stressing the preservation of heritage and the natural environment. It's not a holiday resort, and I'm not aware of any camp sites with swimming pools; I don't think there are any full-on holiday parks in the National Park, like Center Parcs near Penrith. One could expect drinking water, maybe toilets, maybe even showers at the larger sites, but they really are places to eat (food one has brought from home) and sleep, not to spend entire holidays.

There's a public swimming pool at Troutbeck Bridge, if that's any help.

Audio & video cassettes, 'floppy' diskettes and hard disks work by aligning the magnetism of particles embedded in a carrying medium (tape or disc/platter). Once that process has been completed, the physical state, and hence stored content, is retained until remagnetised.

Is there any other type?

Well, I reckon those ostentatiously large instruments are a sign of something; overcompensation, probably.

It's a custom font, created by Dalton Maag. Ah. No, that's the font Tesco uses in writing, not in the logo.
The principle still applies, though: the logo font is proprietory, and it's unlikely you'd find a (legitimate) usable copy of the character set.

Most such corporate fonts are purpose-designed, in part specifically to prevent reuse of part of the brand image by others. If the company owns and restricts access to the font, it reduces the risk of 'passing-off'.
I can't think of any major company which uses a generic or publicly-accessible font in its logo, and couldn't imagine why any would.

If you're asking for a list of sewage treatment plants in Merseyside, try searching for that more directly.

Don't eat cheese late at night. It'll give you nightmares.

What?

Er....

What?

All these Random Queries are genuine, of course, but even if I wished to, I couldn't have invented that one.

If, as I presume, you have a design you want to put into production, you might like to try a web search for 'lingerie manufacturer'.

You might also like to check the websites of lingerie retailers, too, in case your design already exists – it's not something I've considered in depth (honest), but don't envisage there being that many different ways of arranging small quantities of fabric.

Two would be that young goats aren't known for their reading ability and that they might be tempted to chew advertising placed too close to the ground.

This may be a lost battle against language evolution, but I find the use of 'kids' to mean human children more than averagely irritating.

Laminate it.

That's not the oddest enquiry I've received, but the sheer randomness of thinking I'd know anything about the subject is noteworthy.

I don't see the Ministry within the first 200 results for that phrase at uk.search.yahoo.com, so someone must have really dug for my opinion.

For a moment, I thought it was Brandenburger Tor, but that's the 50c coin....

Ah! I remember! It's a 'rampant' eagle with rounded wings, surrounded by the European stars.

You're joking, right?

Search engines don't work that way. You're asking for multi-parameter searches within searches, the sort of things one might try with a dedicated database if a single database even contains those parameters.

A search engine could help you find a tourist information website, which in turn could list campsites in the Windermere area (or at least those which have paid to be included in the database), but I doubt a tourist information index would provide individual campsites' tariffs.

Alternatively, you could cut out the intermediary and search Google for campsites near Windermere (just 'Windermere'; 'Lake Windermere' is a tautology) then visit individual campsites' websites to verify precise locations and prices.

Another approach would be to be more specific about your preferred location, and search accordingly. Camping near Ambleside would be crowded but central, whereas camping at Newby Bridge would be quieter but further from key destinations. Ambleside and Newby Bridge are both ~1 km from Windermere, but at extreme opposite ends of the lake, ~21 km apart by road.

At the simplest (i.e. dialup), one only needs a PC with a modem, the ISP's connection phone number, and a login/password. There is a slight catch-22 in that those details tend to be readily available from an ISP's website, but one needs to be already online in order to visit that site – hence the alleged need for installation discs. That's easily evaded by registering via a different computer, such as in a public library.

Once obtained, insert those parameters at the indicated points in the 'Control Panel->Network Settings' setup wizard, and connect. Simple as that.
I much prefer that to installing via an ISP's disc, as this technique uses existing Windows functionality and doesn't install anything. My mother's computer was plagued with a proprietory login interface for years, the sole purpose of which seemed to be to display the corporate logo.

I haven't been able to find a specific rebuttal, but I'm extremely confident that's an urban myth. I presume the theory is that direct sunlight and hence the heat of an enclosed car would cause a (apparently breast-specific) carcinogen to leach out of the bottle's plastic. I strongly suspect the bottle manufacturers had thought of that when selecting polymers.

The most compelling argument so far as I'm concerned is that leaving a plastic bottle of water in direct sunlight is a recognised purification technique (UV kills faecal nasties) used by hill walkers and even proposed as suitable for purifying entire drinking water supplies in India i.e. letting bottled water exceed 65°C in sunlight is a good thing. The linked article specifically mentions the use of plastic containers.

[Update 17/04/07: I've managed to trace this non-issue to the abstract of a non-peer-reviewed Master's thesis about the reuse of plastic water bottles, misreported by a sensationalist newspaper. The scare story has been expressly debunked, not least by the suggestion that the student was accidentally measuring chemicals in his/her own lab equipment.
Specifically, the thesis claimed that potentially dangerous quantities of DEHA were leached from PET bottles, but DEHA is not a recognised raw material or degradation product of PET. Even if DEHA somehow got into the water from a different source (say, a plastic beaker in a lab...), it wouldn't matter, as that's approved for human consumption too.]

If the Ministry of Defence had oversight of police purchasing, I'd be even more paranoid about social control than I am already.

Police forces are run by regional Police Authorities, responsible to the Home Office (or to the Ministry of Justice, if the Home Secretary's plans are enacted). Not the Ministry of Defence.

It's called separation of powers, a concept which, admittedly, the Government seems to consider outmoded.

Big question: what is the nature of your relationship with the little girl?

Having established that legitimacy, I'd suggest you try searching again for key phrases such as 'interior design', 'nursery', 'decoration', etc., as key phrases, not (almost) grammatical sentences.

The search software doesn't understand what you 'want', and only needs to be fed words likely to appear in the target page itself i.e. it searches for combinations of alphanumeric characters (words), not meaning; state what you're looking for, don't explain.
Including the preamble "I want to..." and specifying the number of rooms "... a..." are worse than irrelevant, potentially generating spurious results.

In order to fish anywhere in the UK one requires a statutory rod licence from the Environment Agency, but as you seem aware, one also needs a permit for each specific location.
I'd presumed that responsibility for the 68.4 km (42.5 miles) of the Lancaster Canal was divided amongst numerous individual angling groups, each issuing permits for its own reaches, but apparently not: permits for the entire canal are available from the British Waterways office in Wigan.

What? Don't be so stupid.

I don't know about the specific topic, but I may be able to refine your search.

If you mean legislation passed by the UK's national government, it'd be in the form of laws: Bills debated in the House of Commons and House of Lords then enacted to Acts of Parliament, applicable across the whole country.
Bye laws are secondary rules set by local authorities, only applicable within each council's region of responsibility: local laws for local issues. For example, one requires a licence to exercise more than four (4) dogs at once within the public parks of Wandsworth, London.

Therefore, if you're interested in legislation affecting all British swimming pools since 1936 (laws), you need to perform a rather different search than if you're looking for details of swimming pool operation in, say, Milton Keynes (bye laws).

Now, now; UK bureaucracy isn't quite that invasive.

Don't give them ideas....

I'm choosing to think you mean those he's written, rather than his personal collection of books by other authors.

Author bibliographies is one of the few topics Wikipedia covers reliably: purely factual, easily-verified information with no room for interpretation or bias.

You might also try The L-Space Web.

The same applies for any author: try searching for the author's name at Wikipedia, then at Google for either the author's own website or one compiled by fans.

Seven, coincidentally.

Congratulations!

Might this prompt you to obtain a more credible e-mail address, easily accessible via a real browser?

It totally mystifies me how people can look at this website and send such enquiries. Having one photograph and a contact form doesn't make me a vicar.

You're nearly there... go on, make the leap of logic....

Copper isn't magnetic, therefore the UK's lowest denomination coins can't be copper. They're actually steel (and hence magnetic) electroplated with a tiny amount of yes, copper.

As I mentioned earlier, the paradox is that the UK's 'silver' (white metal) coins are 75% copper. That's just perverse.

I'd start by contacting the newspaper. Failing that, try the County Record Office's archives. I presume there's a branch in Wigan, but I think the one in Preston is the headquarters; it's behind County Hall, only 3-4 minutes walk from the railway station.

Typing the precise and entire title of your essay assignment into Google probably isn't the best tactic – even if you found a precise match, plagiarism is frowned upon.

Try a little research into the component topics.

Nope; I know nothing about chinchillas, other than it's alleged that they have the greatest density of fur of all mammals.

See a vet.

That'd be Dr. Manette, in 'A Tale Of Two Cities', by Charles Dickens.

If this MI5 trying to trick me into revealing the masterplan, it won't work.

tracing witheld numbers
thigh boots
official secrets revolving door

I'm afraid I can't answer that, as you don't have the requisite security clearance, but yes, the Mistress knows where you live....

Roeburndale is ~22 km (14 miles) east of Lancaster. Garstang is 16 km (10 miles) south of Lancaster. The Bowland Fells discourage attempts to complete the triangle.

Ergo, Roeburndale is not near Garstang.

Next!

I'm pretty sure the first part is a response to discussion in a different forum, rather than something I've covered here, but mp3s? What?

If you are an authorised member of the Police or DVLA, you already know how to match a car to its registered address.

If you are not authorised, you have no right to information about private individuals. **** off and learn to spell.

Whilst I trace your IP address....

'Bicycle', not 'bycycle'....

I suspect almost any puncture repair kit will include instructions, but here's my (utterly normal) technique:

You will need:

• Two plastic tyre levers. Do not use screwdrivers, metal spoons or anything else likely to damage the wheel rim.
• Latex cement.
• Tyre patches. Just squares, circles or ovals of rubber, with plastic/paper/metal film keeping at least one side clean.
  Self-adhesive patches exist, and eliminate the need for separate latex cement. Follow the instructions on the packet. In my experience, these are for temporary repairs, and degrade, so one needs to replace the inner tube fairly soon. The technique I'm describing, with separate cement, effects permanent repairs.
• A small block of chalk.
• A small strip of medium-coarseness glasspaper.

Instructions

• Invert the bike.
• Deflate the tyre (if it's punctured, it's probably already flat). Disconnect the cable from the brake (so the brake opens far enough to remove the wheel). Undo the wheel nuts (or the quick-release lever). Remove the wheel from the bike.
• Remove the dust cap from the air valve.
• Insert the tip of a tyre lever between the tyre and wheel rim. Hook the other end around a spoke. Insert the other tyre lever into the gap you've created, then slide it around the rim, widening the gap until the tyre is no longer attached to the wheel. Remove the tyre and inner tube from the wheel, and remove the inner tube from the tyre. Remember the relative orientation for a moment.
• Carefully examine the tyre for the cause of the puncture. Remove any glass, metal, thorn, etc., ensuring that the object is completely out - thorns in particular can break-off leaving the sharp tip ready to cause another puncture.
  Examine the corresponding part of the inner tube to find the puncture.

  Alternatively, partially inflate the inner tube outside the tyre. Find the point where air is escaping. I do this by holding the tube to my face, so I can feel the air on my lips. I don't immerse the tube in water to observe bubbles from the puncture; I consider it better to keep the tube dry for subsequent stages.
  Check the corresponding part of the tyre for the cause of the puncture, and remove it. The offending object, that is, not the punctured section of inner tube.

• Mark near, but not over, the puncture with chalk. Fully deflate the inner tube. The hole might no longer be visible.
• Roughen the surface of the inner tube over and around the puncture, using the glasspaper. The roughened area needs to be about the same size as the intended patch.
• Discover your latex cement is in Manchester, having been borrowed to repair something entirely different. No? Just me, then....
• Apply a thin film of latex cement to the roughened area. Only a thin film! Do not apply the patch yet. Let the cement dry.
• Remove the plastic/paper/metal film from the inner-facing side of the patch (it's usually obvious which side is which). If it's present, leave the film on the other side of the patch. Apply the patch to the inner tube. Press down on the centre first (directly over the puncture itself), then press outwards to the edge of the patch, thereby preventing air bubbles being trapped.
• Non-standard stage: I tend to add a little latex cement to the border of the patch, to help the edge melt to the inner tube.
• Press down firmly on the patch, ensuring a uniform, tight seal. If you did the non-standard previous step, you might like to place the removed plastic/paper/metal film back over the patch and press on that, to prevent the excess latex cement sticking to your fingers. If so, remove the film afterwards!
• If there is one, carefully remove the plastic/paper/metal film from the outer side of the patch, ensuring you don't damage the seal to the inner tube.
• Grate the chalk against the glasspaper. Allow the resulting chalk dust to cover the patch and any exposed latex cement. Smooth it into the surface. This prevents the repaired tube sticking to the tyre.
• Insert the inner tube back into the tyre. Check whether the tyre has a preferred direction of travel (there'll be an arrow marked on the sidewall) then put the tyre back onto the wheel, starting at the air valve. This can be done by hand; tyre levers are only used to remove a tyre, not reattach it.
  Partially inflate the inner tube, then ensure it and the tyre are properly seated on the wheel rim, with no pinching of the tube.
• Put the wheel back on the bike. If it's the back wheel, ensure the chain is on the right gear ring. Spin the wheel to double check the tyre is straight and even on the rim. Tighten the wheel nuts or quick-release lever.
• Reconnect the brake.
• Turn the bike back over, onto its wheels.
• Fully inflate the tyre. It should remain inflated.
• Now wash your hands.

So close, but not quite....

Try 'Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit'.

There are two things stranger than that enquiry:

• That there are "about 74,800" results for that search term at Google.
• That you ploughed through page after page of results to click through to the Ministry, the 140th result of the search.

Sorry; I prefer not to provide my personal details online. ;)

I suspect a better starting point for research into the subject would be to search for the one-word term 'genius', omitting the redundant words 'information' and 'on'. Google offers 104 million results, but that very general topic would at least identify meaningful additional keywords for refined searching.

Oddly enough, I intended to publish exactly that a few weeks ago. I planned the expedition carefully, allowing for the traffic, weather and tide, polished my bike and camera specially, then set out with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

But... when I actually got to Morecambe, there didn't seem much point proceeding. For some reason, I just couldn't be bothered any more.

<sigh>

That's an intriguing thought. What would you accept as proof, and how would one obtain it, or rather: how would one obtain it and report back?

And why wait until September 2006 to ask about research in 2005? Unless....

Has anyone done any research into the temporal dislocation experienced by the dead?

Wha...?

My what?

That's random. That's very random.

What's even more odd is that the address provided is in very rural Wales, less than 5 km from the village where I grew up. I'm not in contact with anyone I knew then, so I'm pretty sure this is a genuine, if slightly misdirected, request.

I could drop a few vol-au-vents in the post if you insist....

I almost think I know what you're looking for. About a year ago, the BBC broadcast an interesting though annoyingly anthropomorphised documentary about African elephants, in which one elderly individual left the herd to die alone. That's not exactly suicide, and I'm not sure whether CGI was used, but that might be near enough.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't find any specific information about the programme – I'd guess it was an episode of 'Wildlife on One' or similar, rather than a one-off programme promoted individually.

Alternatively (and this seems more likely, really), you may be thinking of Steve Katz's 1999 animated short film 'Protest', in which elephants jump off tall buildings as a protest against the effect of humans on their species.

Oh dear. I bet you believe in intelligent design, too.

I'm not going to get into any theological debates, but there's no need to seek supernatural causes of phenomena already explained rather well by verifiable science.

Aw. That's kind of sad.

Well, affection's not something you're likely to find in a computer (though Mac cultists might disagree), and even less likely to find via AOL Search. Why not switch off, go out and meet people?

Length or girth?

Either way, it's 0.91m, or 3', or one Imperial standard pig-length.
Some sausages may appear shorter or narrower, but that simply means you're too far away.

[More seriously, Cumberland sausages are sold in coils of continuous sausage rather than in individual links. A coil of 30-50 cm (over 1 foot) would be a typical portion, and at least one local supplier sells sausage by the yard (0.91m).]

I had thought that was fairly obvious, but then again, some people look at the appearence & content of this site yet still interpret 'Ministry of Information' as an official branch of the UK Government, so maybe the very concept of 'obvious' is questionable.

Point is, I don't know whether one is obliged to pay a parking ticket if there's a clear typo in the vehicle details, and I'm not especially interested in researching it for a stranger. Likewise, I don't happen to have the address of Lancaster Prison, and can't be bothered to perform the three-word Google search that the enquirer could do for herself.

If you have a really interesting (to me!) question, I might have a go, but ordinarily the central premise stands: that I'm addressing odd inadvertent questions.

Nope; you've beaten me on that one. I haven't heard that she's ever had problems (not that I would), and wouldn't wish her harm. I'm not sure what effect it would have on her music anyway – I suppose it could limit her guitar playing, perhaps restricting her to open chords, and could diminish her use of that ****ing awful harmonica.

I'm not sure whether it's possible to distinguish pinniped populations in terms of girth or intelligence. The former variety has more hair, obviously.

I think you'll find Japanese carp are sentient creatures, self-motivated and not especially concerned about online networking.

Unlike American teenagers in several ways, really.

A reasonable enquiry, phrased sensibly. The only oddity is that MSN ranks the Ministry as no.2 in the UK for that term.

It's understandable when weird enquiries reach the Ministry by matching individual words out-of-context, but now it's happening for 'real' search terms too. That doesn't say much for the matching abilities and relevance results of certain search engines.

I'm guessing that should be 'Palin', but either way, I don't know where he is. I'm not a Python stalker, oddly enough.

Palin being Palin, there's a reasonable chance he's gone travelling with a documentary crew, but he might simply be here.

Then again, he did work for the Ministry under the name 'Jack Lint', so I ought to know, really....

It looked pretty sunny this morning, from 29 km (18 miles) away. Is that range long enough?

A contradiction in terms, surely?

Did I mention that my mother is a trained Samaritan?

Both enquiries were from the same IP address....

Intriguing idea. I suppose a well-used revolving door could be wired up as a turbine, perhaps utilising wind turbine technology. I woulder whether anyone's explored the commercial possibilities.

That wouldn't be drawing power away from the building or users, though, so I wouldn't call it 'parasitic', which sounds more like a vampire moles situation.

Ew! I don't think I could even bring it close to my nose & mouth without retching. The smell, slightly reminiscent of strawberries, is amongst my least favourite.

How 'off' is 'off'? If it's basically okay, but leaves tiny white specks on the surface of tea or coffee, I think you'd get away with it – after all, it's been near-sterilised by boiling water.

Wow. Your local branch of the bookshop chain is pretty big, isn't it?

Or are we talking about L-space?

Nope; that one defeated me. It was entered into the Ministry's internal search; it might have been helpful to know which search term or reasoning brought you to the Ministry in the first place.

No, the bitumen inflames the pores on their poor paws.
In fact, they're totally incapacitated by hard surfaces, and any vaguely intelligent sheep can avoid being rounded up by heading for the nearest road (where they'll be flattened by oncoming traffic).

This is why sheepdogs carry inflatable pogo sticks at all times.

Though not one of the functions listed by the site mentioned earlier, I can imagine that'd work.

Heh. I think this was the first instance of a random search picking up individual words from previous, unrelated entries themselves about random searches. They're breeding....

Where on the Lune? I'm afraid that's a fairly meaningless question unless a location is specified.

At it's source above Tebay, it's a few centimetres deep, and I've waded across at Arkholme, yet it's 6 m deep at Kirkby Lonsdale (considerably upstream of Arkholme) – enough for scuba diving – and the mouth of the estuary has a tidal range of up to 10 m. Until the late 18th Century, the river was navigable by large ships as far as Lancaster, but no longer.

Oh, that song.

Pricey. I wouldn't touch it, if I were you.

Surprisingly, the Ministry is no.1 for that term at Google.com.au (presumably because of a reference to Emma Peel) and, more surprisingly, I can direct you to the intended information.

As always, 'wanting info on the' is an irrelevant phrase which should be omitted from the enquiry – it goes without saying that you want information, and Google would (literally) mindlessly include the words 'wanting' and 'info' in the search term. Avoid natural-language enquiries (grammatical questions) and just look for the keywords.

Trying 'magic peeling glove geneva' is far more successful, providing basic information on the exfoliator which received the International Invention Show Gold Medal in Geneva in 2001.

I'd recommend using a knife and fork, a spoon, or chopsticks when eating, rather than soft fruit.

Unless you're like my mother, who always buys rock-hard unripe mangos. Those slices could cut steel, never mind food.

So far as recorded history is concerned, Arthur never existed. Sorry.

If he did exist, the most credible timing seems to have been during the century following the departure of Roman government from Britain in about 450CE. If there was a context in which a war leader may have unified disparate Romano-Celtic tribes, it could have been an attempt to repel the invading Anglo-Saxons.

Try a Google search for 'did arthur exist'.

The surprising part isn't that the Minstry is the no.6 result for that term at Google, but that there are 437 results.

Okay, Google's matching individual words rather than anything meaningful, but that's an impressively random enquiry, without actually being a nonsense grouping of unrelated words. It's a fine line – well done.

Okay, not an amusingly random enquiry, but I want to comment anyway.

No, recycling isn't a solution; there is no single panacea and it's a mistake to seek one, just as speed cameras are not the single solution to all road safety issues. Recycling needs to be only one of a suite, or in fact a hierarchy, of overlapping measures.

Firstly, consider whether it's really necessary to buy an item or use a resource. It's better to avoid unnecessary usage than to use then worry about disposal. Incidentally, by 'necessary' I don't solely mean 'essential for subsistence' – pleasure and quality of life are important too!

Secondly, wherever practical, reuse an item rather than recycling it or throwing it away. Recycling consumes resources, so is less than ideal; buying once and using twice is better than buying twice and recycling twice. Consider this when selecting items. Additionally, try to buy packaging-efficient refills for existing items.
When travelling in Europe, I'll tend to buy a 500ml (plastic) bottle of Coke on the first day, then repeatedly refill it with tap water on subsequent days.

Then, the third choice, recycle whatever you can. At least in Lancaster, there are limited options (the local authority doesn't accept all categories of recyclables), but I recycle metal cans (90% of which are Coke!), glass (I don't drink alcohol, so don't actually use much glass) and all paper, from the labels on cans & bottles to phone books. The only exception is private correspondence. Plastics are a problem, as I have nowhere (practical) to take them, but I prefer to minimise usage anyway.

Finally, dispose of the remaining materials responsibly. If items must go to landfill, try to crush them small first, to take up less space in the council lorry and in the ground. Living alone, I'd be able to put out one bag for collection every fortnight if it wasn't for smelly food waste.

Isn't this all Green Party hippie sh*t? I don't think so. The Greens peddle a pseudo-religion of environmentalist ethics, and I have nothing to do with them, but I regard this as entirely rational. It's not a moral issue of doing the 'right' thing, just common-sense, even long-term self-interest.

Er.

Okay; when did you last have it? Have you checked inside the washing machine?

It's no use; I have to ask: why are you searching the web for your clothes?

A pile?

A panpharmacon? I like that one; 'a panpharmacon of pancakes'. Pancakes can indeed cure all ills, in sufficient quantities, with sugar and a splash of lemon juice.

Personally, I think the moorland roads and passes around Dent, Cumbria are sufficiently dramatic without the addition of theatrical gimmicks.

I don't see why not, but remember you'd be buying at the full retail price, and people probably wouldn't want to pay more than that (they could go to the supermarket themselves!), so there's be no profit in it.

That's as a private citizen. I don't know, but I suspect there's be a legal issue in, say, a local corner shop reselling supermarket own-brand goods.

Just my personal opinion, of course – IANAL, nor a government agency.

The gender balance of the project team?
Alternative fuel sources?
The British arms trade, with light-hearted reminiscences about the mid-20th Century?

Well, I can't, as:
a) I sometimes have unfavourable reactions to skincare products,
b) I wouldn't wish to wear false tan, and
c) being male, I don't have the right type of hips for pregnancy.

As a more general enquiry: I don't have a clue. Is it likely to be a problem? If so, don't take an avoidable risk.

I'm afraid I can't provide the specifics required, but I am curious about the alleged link between the Bulgarian timber industry (which is certainly significant within the region) and the production of soap. Does one feed a vital ingredient into the other?

That's intriguing. Here in the UK, pretty much everyone buys from supermarkets, so you might as well be asking about a day in the life of a typical person.

Is supermarket use anomalous in any industrialised nation (the enquiry was from Australia)? Is it a social status issue?

Seven, though some of them move quite quickly and wear false moustaches, giving the impression that there are several more. No-one knows why.

The average household¹ owns at least one pair of handcuffs² for recreational purposes, so that's a start.

Apart from the obvious need for secure premises, one would have to conform to the standard health & safety legislation, then gain government accreditation, from the Home Office. In fact, I suspect one would have to obtain full-on Royal assent, maybe a warrant, as UK prisons are Crown establishments, each with the title 'HM Prison [name]'.

UK prisons aren't all state-run; some were privatised after 1991, so you do have a chance of starting a new one, but it's likely to be rather expensive, and not something I'd be inclined to try myself.

¹: What do you mean, 'no'? You must know the wrong people....
²: Nasty things – try leather instead. Seriously: there's nothing sexy about nerve damage.

I'm not entirely sure what you mean.

If you're planning to use crushed limestone as hardcore under tarmac or paving slabs, there shouldn't be a major problem, though I'd tend to pave over a layer of sand, to get each slab properly seated and level.

If you're planning to route a road over an area of limestone bedrock exhibiting fracturing, I suppose there's a risk that subsurface cracks and channels, even caves, could collapse, especially under the increased loading of vehicle traffic. Is subsidence a known problem in the local area? Talk to the local planning authority.

I don't have a copy available online (mine's paper), but Lancaster City Council published a pretty good 'Lancaster & Morecambe Walking & Cycling' map recently. See the LCC website to order a paper copy, or to download the individual maps (district overview, Lancaster & Morecambe, and city centre) as .pdfs.

I get a vague hint that you're interested in buildings that aren't actually occupied....

Just one tip: be aware that Google defaults to searching for all submitted search terms (individually, in any order), so this enquiry (using the UK-only index and with SafeSearch enabled &ndash kind of restricting your options!) only returns those 112 pages which contain all the terms, whereas I suspect you wanted pages containing any combination of one or two: 'disused building' or 'derelict building', for example.

In this case, it'd be better to use the
'Advanced Search' interface at Google, and insert the search term in the 'with at least one of the words' search box instead of the default 'with all of the words' box. The same effect could be achived via the standard interface by inserting 'OR' between each term.

That's a bit too open (over 2 billion results), so try:
"disused building" OR "derelict building" OR "deserted building" OR "empty building" OR "abandoned building"
This gives 107,000 UK-only references.

I wonder if there's a particular story behind this enquiry, which arrived via Yahoo! Canada.

So far as I know, electricians aren't licenced in the UK. Qualified, in order to gain employment, yes, but not actually licenced.

The other results of that initial search don't seem relevant, which raises the question of whether electricians are licenced anywhere.

I'm not going to tackle this one in detail, but I'll point out that 'lingerie' seems to be a key, er, keyword at Google: if SafeSearch is enabled, that word is ignored when searching. Hence, you actually searched for 'history 1900-2006' ('of' is ignored) – rather vague....

Turn SafeSearch off and try again.

The Ministry is third at Yahoo! Search, for this enquiry, but that engine is returning the following: disjointed words from the 'Films' archive page, out of context:

As I've said before, natural language searches (grammatical questions) are counterproductive in most search engines, which search for individual words.
Try searching for just the keywords: oshii avalon language. The very first word of the excerpt of the top-ranking result of that search at Google gives the answer – it's not even necessary to click through to the page itself. The same applies to seven of the top ten results.

Another tip: for film-related enquiries, it's often better to search for the title, director, etc. at the Internet Movie Database (IMDb) rather than the less specialised Google, Yahoo!, etc. The spoken language of each film is stated on its summary page, and associated pages provide pretty much everything else about the film.

In short (far too late for that...), a properly-phrased keyword-based query will find the desired answer extremely easily in this case. As it happens, 'Avalon' is amongst my favourite films, and the language is relatively familiar to me, so I already knew the answer: Polish.

[Update 14:18: Someone has tried precisely the same grammatical, punctuated search at Google.au and AM Browser Search (never heard of it, but it's powered by Yahoo! – why not just use Yahoo!?). Persistent....

Oh; hang on – one's in Sydney, one's in Yarraville, and I didn't notice the source of the original Yahoo! search. It must be a quiz question in Australia, and people are cut-and-pasting the question into search engines. Not the best of techniques!]

[Update 03/04/06: Three more this morning, from Hobart (Tas.), Mosman (NSW) & Hiawatha (Vic.), all Australia, all phrasing the enquiries rather better. Luckily, Google has indexed this entry by now, so people are getting the desired answer, and not only a lecture on search optiimisation!]

Here's a radical thought: how about buying a legitimate copy on CD, from Racket Records (Marillion's own label and webstore), instead of attempting to cheat them out of a fair income? 'Unzipped' is a commercial release, not a freebie or in the public domain.

You parasitic ****.

To restate: the Ministry will not offer links or assistance in downloading music or video, except samples (typically low-res) which the artists have chosen to make available.

And don't even ask about BitTorrent.

Ha! It's not what you think, honest!

It seems a recent visitor is familiar with my childhood home village, as that's the local name of the Black Lion, the lower of the two pubs.

As to why the pubs are known as the 'Top Monkey' (Boar's Head) and 'Bottom Monkey' (Black Lion), the most credible (and it's not particularly credible!) explanation I've heard is that those working with explosives in the local coal mines (I'm not sure explosives were used in coal mines...) were nicknamed 'powder monkeys' (a name more usually used on ships), and there was some distinction about which pub individual 'monkeys frequented. I'm sceptical....

<Sigh> There's always one fool who has to shout for 'Grendel', isn't there? ;)

Of course, that won't mean a thing to those who don't know Marillion's early history....

There are times when one has to disengage from the web and deal with real life.

Call a plumber. Now.

Yes, such things do exist in the Czech capital. What were you expecting; candles? I suppose I can't comment on the suburbs, technically, but the historic city centre was very attractive last June, with an abundance of electricity.

Beating trees or beating people with trees? Either way, you'll probably need to know about this.

I don't know what you were looking for, but it seems you're really interested. The Ministry is no. 134 for that search term at Google – that's a lot of results to have ploughed through.

I'd recommend rephrasing the enquiry, as this version is a bit cryptic and vague. Google thinks a mere 13,100,000 pages may be relevant....

I've found it surprisingly difficult to ascertain the 'per metre' price of the fabric itself; maybe it has a different name, or is only available within the clothing industry.

Using an alternative unit of measure: £2-£5 per leg seems typical.

Otherwise... the phrase you may be looking for is "What's that got to do with the price of fish?", used as a response to an irrelevant comment. Regional varients substitute other commodities, such as beans, but not fishnet.

'Pink wafer biscuits'.

Well, I'm not aware of any other, and until you asked, I wouldn't have thought there was one.

At churchgoing has declined in the UK, it might well be said that Ikea has colonised a corresponding space in the middle-class psyche, and visiting the blue and yellow out-of-town cathedrals for the sales might be likened to pilgrimages, but 'rituals' might be overstating things a little.

Then again, I wouldn't have said soft furnishings could provoke rioting, either....

The Ministry was no.8 for this search term at the Chinese-language version of Google.com – which was propitious.

Aha! I've discovered a Guardian article, responding to that 'riot', which develops much the same points as I just did here. I don't recall having seen it before, honest!

All of them? That's ambitious.

I have no idea how one would ascertain whether a logo design already exists, but there must be some technique, for trademark registration.
Perhaps not; logos have been known to be duplicated.

Quite simply, a traffic warden or police officer. 'Parked on a footway' is a ticketable offence. However, it's used relatively infrequently, apparently, and only when a vehicle is unambiguously causing an obstruction. Parking half-on, half-off the kerb is universally tolerated.

Here's an example in which the disabled user of a scooter publicly appealed to local drivers to avoid parking on the kerb, as it limited his mobility. In that instance:

I understand that it's technically illegal to drive across a pavement or verge except where a dropped kerb has been installed, as one might damage the pavement or pipes/cables beneath it. I'm not sure whether that regulation could be used against parkers.
It's definitely illegal to park over or in front of a dropped kerb, as that's officially-designated access, which can't be blocked.

I think the fundamental answer is that you could complain to the police, but don't expect a response unless there are aggravating circumstances, or officers have nothing else to do.

Incidentally, I discovered this by rephrasing the search as 'parking on kerb illegal'.

Oi! I'm not about to do your GCSE homework for you!

What do you expect me to do about it?

Hang on; everything? You can hear whalesong, echoes of the Big Bang and the still small voice of reason? I suppose that would become a little irritating.

It sounds as if you're looking for a support group; you might like to try web searches of that type, and/or see what a search for 'noisy neighbour' provides.

O-k-a-y....

A M&S fetish is a bit weird; they do sell good socks and pants, but not that good.
I must have missed their range of latex clothing. I suspect they'd be a bit pricy, and oddly frumpy.

Besides, they don't have a branch in New Orleans.

Could you have meant S&M?

[How did I get to be the second-ranked result for this search term at Google?]

Hey; so far as I'm concerned, heels are always in.

Except when it's reasonable to anticipate soft ground or significant amounts of walking, of course. In such cases, the wearer can become – in the nicest way possible – something of a liability.

Not that anyone would do that. Again.

A security guard?

If you mean the other kind, a brief web search for 'metal detector hobby' strongly suggests that the practice is indeed simply called 'metal detecting', rather than some variety of '-ology' or '-ography'. Consequently, I presume those involved in the hobby are termed 'metal detector enthusiasts' or 'metal detector operators'. 'Metal detectives' seems improbable!

Incidentally, as I've mentioned before in this category, I believe keyword-targetted searches generally work better than natural-language questions. In this case, the words 'a', 'call', 'do', 'someone', 'uses', 'what', 'who' and 'you' are all superfluous.

Does this look like a listings site? AOL Search seems to think so.

'Fraid I can't help, really. I'm not a dogs person, and don't know anyone with puppies.

As I've said, I do like dogs, but I can't respect their slobbering, overt affection and unconditional blind loyalty. If one was to beat a dog unconscious, the first thing it'd do on waking would be to bring one a stick, wagging its tail.
I much prefer cats, for their "**** you" independence. If cats had thumbs, they'd be able to open their own food, and wouldn't need humans at all.

It's a sweet idea, but sundials aren't actually calibrated by 'the little people'. However, the part of a sundial which casts the shadow is called a gnomon – something tells me* that's what you meant.

*: no, not a gnome. Don't be ridiculous.
She was a nymph.

Try eBay.

I know the notoriously smelly Asian fruits are banned from many public places, and I could understand if someone has published a tirade against them (or the ban?), but as a general point, it's usually more productive to search for words likely to appear within a target page than to search for words describing the page – the author of a a belligerent rant about durians probably wouldn't regard him/herself as belligerent or ranting, so those words wouldn't appear in the page or metatags, and hence Goggle wouldn't index them by those terms. I suppose a third-party-commentator on the rant might describe it that way, though.

Interesting question, but I'm afraid I can't help as:
a) I haven't noticed purple pipes (or indeed pipes of any colour) consistently associated with motorways – could it be a localised thing?
b) I don't know what they'd be for.

Can anyone else help?

I really, really don't want to even think about that. Ew.

Next!

Er... if you can't figure out the two simple moving parts (three, counting the flame size adjuster), should you be using a computer?

<sigh> In one action, rapidly turn the knurled wheel towards yourself, ending by holding down the gas release lever. Set fire to things. No! NO! Not THAT!

It's surprisingly undemanding. The standard terms under which a bet will usually be paid out is if a single snowflake is verifiably observed falling at the specified location within the 24 hours of 25 December. If that's in a combined rain/snow shower, it still counts.

Well, I've never had a problem! ;)

Okay; this question takes me a little outside my area of knowledge, but having consulted an expert advisor, it seems the top priority, above all else, is size. The right size can be very comfortable, but too small is intolerable. I presume many women have been put-off by partners choosing 'sexy' gifts in, er, optimistic sizes.
I wonder if that's why this enquiry arrived today, fairly close to the gift-giving season.

I don't believe I took that seriously....

Laden or unladen?

A greyhound can run at 42 mph, a Pekingese can probably manage 3-4 mph if the doting owner picks it up, and I've found references to border collies reaching 25-30 mph, but I'm afraid I know virtually nothing about bearded collies. A couple of Google links cite 8-9 mph over obstacle courses at dog shows.

Good question, though as usual I'm surprised it brought you to the Ministry.

Wha...? What makes you think I arrange concerts, for any generation?

I don't think this is someone mistaking the Ministry for a branch of the UK government. Maybe... no; on the strength of the Jethro Tull Tour History and annotated 'Passion Play', no-one could mistake this for the official Jethro Tull website, could they? (I hope not, 'cos that site's pretty poor.)

Even assuming that's the case, could a professional agent seriously visualise Jethro Tull, a stagnant and declining but still occasionally 'hard rock' band, being supported by a Doris Day-style light jazz singer from the 1950s/60s, most famous for the 'hands that do dishes can be soft as your face' 1960s advertising jingle? I couldn't, but as I said, I'm no concert promoter.

If they're dirty, clean them. If the boots get wet, let them dry completely before proceeding.

I use Kiwi 'Parade Gloss' premium shoe polish (the price difference between 'premium' and basic shoe polish is trivial, so don't waste money on false economy); what I mean is standard, wax & turpentine-based shoe polish, as sold as a solid 'cake' in a small round tin. I understand the US version of 'Parade Gloss' is not the same, replacing the turpentine with silicone. I don't know whether the result is as good.

Open the tin and place it under a desk lamp. Switch the the lamp on.... My lamp has a mirror-backed high-intensity bulb, so the desk becomes appreciably warm after a few minutes. Hence, the top few millimetres of the shoe polish will melt.

Using a clean rag, transfer a little polish to a boot, and work it in. This is far better done with semi-liquid polish than cold, as it's easier, quicker and penetrates the leather very well.
This vigorous massage tends to remove even quite major scuffs, and not only by filling them with polish.
Give the boots a good coverage, but only leave a thin film on the surface – a thick, lumpy coating is just a waste of polish. The finish should be fairly smooth, but entirely matt.

I suppose that by the time the second boot is finished, one could proceed with the next stage on the first boot, but I prefer to give the polish a little longer to penetrate (that'll only happen in a warm room, of course). Go and have a cup of tea, and try to scrub the shoe polish off your hands. Turpentine is an irritant.

Next, wet the cloth – not saturated and dripping, just thoroughly damp. Use this (not necessarily the part already stained black) to polish the boots until a shine begins to appear. Only 'begins' – don't try for presentation-quality with the cloth.

The miracle stage involves a soft, standard shoe brush. Use this to briskly yet gently polish the surface – don't scrub! I can rarely prevent myself grinning as this point, as I suddenly seem to have patent boots. No, not patent: this process gives a richer shine than just a glossy surface. The extra effort really is worthwhile.

I do all this once every 5-6 weeks, but maintain the finish weekly or as required using a liquid wax polish – the type that looks like a tall roll-on deodorant with a sponge tip. This is very quick to apply, and can give a good, immediate shine, but note that it doesn't 'feed' the leather in the same way as solid polish, and the patent shine on the surface doesn't have the same depth as solid polish worked into the leather. It's a top-up, but no substitute for the real thing.

It's 17:48 here in the UK; the few shops still open will shut in 12 mins. In mainland Europe, it's too late. In N.America, you might still have time, but still, don't you think this is a bit late to be looking for a Hallowe'en costume?

If only you'd asked a few days ago....

Happy Samhain, anyway.

For some reason, I suspect that tiger gynaecology is an under-researched topic.

Tell you what: why don't you go and find out, and get back to me when you're discharged from hospital?

I don't think I've seen that film....

Back to 'Search Engines for Beginners':
I can tell you that the words 'can', 'you', 'give', 'me', 'some', 'information', 'on' and 'and' were entirely irrelevant to that query, and will have diminished the effectivenes of the search. Google isn't a person; there's no need to ask polite questions in grammatical English. Just pick out the key words, and try 'wallace gromit'

Still, if you trawled down as far as search result no.57 (the Ministry's ranking for this search term), you're obviously more than typically dedicated, and perhaps it's a good thing that you limited your search. Your search, for all those words (in any order and not necessarily together on the page) found 242,000 results, whereas 'wallace gromit' produces 13,600,000.

The Ministry is no.2 at Google for that search term. I'm overwhelmed.

Er...

For non-cyclists: a bottom bracket is the part which connects the cranks (the arms supporting the pedals) to one another and the bike's frame. For a nosy, eccentric variety, I suppose you might try a clown bike; head back to Google and search for 'clown supplies'.

Well, I wouldn't start from here, mate.

Try Google Maps (here's a link, or integrate it into Firefox using the Mycroft extension). Some people don't realise that typing, say, 'Lancaster to Southwark' into the search box will provide directions alongside an annotated map of the 266 miles, or 5 hours 36 mins, or 428 km trip.

That conversion from miles to kilometres was also done in Google - just type '266 miles in km' into the standard search box, and Google will generate a random number, or possibly even perform the necessary calculation.

I think you mean 'Yorkie', from Nestlé (boo, hiss). From 1976 until 1992, it was marketed as the truckers' choice of chocolate bar. Nowadays it's less specifically macho, though in 2002 the advertisers took the supposedly ironic angle that 'it's not for girls'.

My own view is that it tastes of vegetable fat.

[Guardian link requires registration; use Bugmenot.]

I presume you mean a straitjacket (not a 'straight jacket', as too many people think). If so, try a search at Google Images for 'straitjacket'. Don't include 'photo of person in a', as Google will then look for the words 'photo', 'person' and 'straitjacket', ruining the search.

That's an important point: Google doesn't interpret the contents of the search box (apart from certain specific terms); if a search includes 'photo' and 'jacket', it won't know you want a photo of a jacket. Instead, it'll look for pages containing the words 'photo' and 'jacket', not necessary together on the page, or for images related to the words 'photo' and 'jacket' – and few people actually label a photo 'photo'.

If you have SafeSearch turned off (and if you're looking for bondage images, I suspect you have), this refined search should provide around 4,600 photos of straitjackets, most of them occupied. Go wild.

The Pennine Vampire Mole (Pseudotalpia morphetaea) is an astonishingly successful predator prevalent across Northern England, UK. Astonishingly. That the species has, until very recently, been virtually unknown beyond the Forest of Bowland is merely testament to the species' efficiency.

In 2003, stories began to emerge from the Slaidburn area of the Hodder Valley, of moles able to erupt from their insidious network of molehills, hurling themselves several feet into the air to attack passers-by and almost (but not quite) completely drain them of blood.
This may seem implausible – vampires suffer dermatological problems in daylight – yet it has been speculated that their diet may provide the raw materials and evolutionary motivation for heterotactic overstimulation of the foetal liver, and consequent exudation of natural sunblock by post-pubescent P.morphetaea, in precisely the same way as adult Common Moles (Talpa europaea) don't. Other objections have been dismissed by the same irrefutable logic.

The threat is now well-known by signatories of the Official Secrets Act (1989), but in the interests of social order and military/industrial corporate profitability, the public have been scandalously misled. For example, government scientists maintain the frankly ludicrous assertion that Sand Martins (Riparia riparia) – not known for their skill with mining explosives – live in riverbanks. However, the inhabitants of such profoundly rural backwaters as Lowgill, Lancs. know otherwise. Few day-trippers question the fact that 'nest holes' are visible in Yorkshire riverbanks in winter, when Sand Martins are known to be in Africa.

To return to the question: following 'Regina vs. Wilkinson Latex Intimates Ltd.' (2004), authors are not permitted to publish the preferred method of killing vampire moles. Sorry. However, as that tragic episode illustrated so graphically, it didn't work anyway.

Can you hear burrowing?