Thoroughly caffeinated, thanks

Ah, those five little words that mean so much. Specifically, that somewhere along the way you have dropped your guard and become involved with the kind of po-faced gimp who thinks that ingesting a few micrograms of the mildest stimulant know to man is akin to injecting eight gallons of crystal meth into your eyeball and following it with a heroin chaser. "I'm sorry," you reply. "I only have beverages whose raison d'etre has not been removed in order to accommodate the self-indulgent witterings of morons. Would you like some water instead, or will its reckless combination of hydrogen and oxygen induce some kind of convulsion?"