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16 September, 2005

Random queries no.2

How do you kill a vampire mole?

The Pennine Vampire Mole (Pseudotalpia morphetaea) is an astonishingly successful predator prevalent across Northern England, UK. Astonishingly. That the species has, until very recently, been virtually unknown beyond the Forest of Bowland is merely testament to the species' efficiency.

In 2003, stories began to emerge from the Slaidburn area of the Hodder Valley, of moles able to erupt from their insidious network of molehills, hurling themselves several feet into the air to attack passers-by and almost (but not quite) completely drain them of blood.
This may seem implausible – vampires suffer dermatological problems in daylight – yet it has been speculated that their diet may provide the raw materials and evolutionary motivation for heterotactic overstimulation of the foetal liver, and consequent exudation of natural sunblock by post-pubescent P.morphetaea, in precisely the same way as adult Common Moles (Talpa europaea) don't. Other objections have been dismissed by the same irrefutable logic.

The threat is now well-known by signatories of the Official Secrets Act (1989), but in the interests of social order and military/industrial corporate profitability, the public have been scandalously misled. For example, government scientists maintain the frankly ludicrous assertion that Sand Martins (Riparia riparia) – not known for their skill with mining explosives – live in riverbanks. However, the inhabitants of such profoundly rural backwaters as Lowgill, Lancs. know otherwise. Few day-trippers question the fact that 'nest holes' are visible in Yorkshire riverbanks in winter, when Sand Martins are known to be in Africa.

To return to the question: following 'Regina vs. Wilkinson Latex Intimates Ltd.' (2004), authors are not permitted to publish the preferred method of killing vampire moles. Sorry. However, as that tragic episode illustrated so graphically, it didn't work anyway.

Can you hear burrowing?

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