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13 December, 2003

Getting it on for the good of the planet

I don't know if this was intended as self-deprocating levity, or their usual busybody preaching: Greenpeace have published a guide to environmentally-friendly sex.  I'm about as likely to link to the Greenpeace website as to that of the British Nationalist Party, so I'll have to reproduce (ahem) a few parts of the guide here, to comment on it.

Are you wondering what more you can do to help the planet?
Go on...
You take your bike to work...
... eat organic...
Absolutely not - never knowingly, anyway.
... but want to do more.
Within reason.
At long last we have looked into one of humanityís favourite pastimes and uncovered the passion that can make a difference for our environment. You can be a bomb in bed without nuking the planet.
They had to slip something in about their favourite nuclear bugbear; it's probably in the Greenpeace rules.
1. Turn off the lights. We all have to do our part to stop climate change, energy reduction and energy efficiency are an important part of changing our energy culture. If you want to see your partner, or what you are doing, have sex during the day.
Already my blood is boiling. Who the **** are they to tell me how and when to have sex? Could they be more intrusive? I presume the guide was written on a pedal-powered computer, during daylight hours (no artificial lighting permitted in the office).
2. Passion for fruit? If you like to use produce to get the blood boiling, make sure it is GE-free. There have not been enough studies on genetically engineered foods to know what the effects on our diets will be, let alone the affects of using it for more intimate activities.
Okay. I oppose GM-agriculture too, partly because of the lack of research and knowledge of its consequences and partly because of the attempts of multinationals to impose GM-food on consumers, ignoring the overwhelming public opposition.
3.Oysters and other shellfish can be potent aphrodisiacs, but our oceans are being destroyed at an unprecedented rate
For shellfish? No. Fatuous argument.
5. Forget the fossil fuel based lubricants like petroleum jelly!
Okay, but for practical reasons, not environmental.
6. Have you got something more than a good time up your sleeve. Could it be polyvinyl chloride? Ditch the PVC and vinyl accessories for your playtime. Instead, opt for accessories made from natural substances like rubber or leather.
Evidently not written from experience (characteristically?). Quite apart from the huge difference in cost, the properties of the materials aren't really comparable.
7. Helping the planet can be an arousing activity. Soap up together in the shower or bath...
... to save water and create passion for more than the environment. More than one billion people do not have access to clean water, it is a luxury, and should definitely be shared with a friend.
And post the saved water to South America? Don't be stupid. There certainly are valid reasons to moderate water usage in Europe/N.America, but that's not one of them. Or are they suggesting an empty gesture, 'for solidarity'?
8. Ok, Iím not sure what you would use them for, never done so myself, ahem, but if you wanted some paddles for something other than rowing, please, for godís sake,...
Keep your god to yourself, please.
... make sure they are made from sustainably harvested timber.
What? It's not my thing either, but this wouldn't affect my hypothetical purchasing decision.
10. Make love, not war.

Greens annoy me in exactly the same way as religious evangelists - if you believe strongly about something, that's great; good luck to you. But don't try to impose your beliefs on me - I won't play.

There's a person I see around Lancaster and the University occasionally; a work colleague of a friend, but not someone I know particularly well, nor who knows me well enough to tell me how to live, but that's exactly what she does. On meeting her, her opening words are rarely a greeting, but "You shouldn't be doing that". Maybe she (totally) mistakes me for a fellow 'believer' who'd appreciate a quick pep talk, but I find it a challenge to avoid telling her to go **** herself.

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